Sister of an Angel
First Impressions & Looking Forward…
Although I already have four very special beautiful brothers and sisters, when Mum & Chris said that she was pregnant I was pleased. We were all very excited, thinking of names, shopping for everything the new baby would need and looking forward to their little arrival. When we found out the baby was a boy we were happy that the family girl, boy, girl, boy trend would be continued. So they got past the risky stage of pregnancy and it was time to tell the little ones, they were so eager and joyful it was wonderful. Now we could think up his little name which would be Kabel and buy him a few tiny outfits for when he was born.
Worry…
So time was moving on the pregnancy was going well & it was getting close to the due date. On the evening of the 18th of April Mum had a slight pain and we were getting worried but she felt that she had felt Kabel move, so everything seemed ok. The morning of the 19th of April Mum and Chris went into the hospital to see how everything was as it was the due date. I was really excited but I still felt worried, something didn’t sit right.
Bad News…
So I saw the car coming down the drive, Paul (a family friend) was here too but that was normal, no baby but that’s normal too. Only I knew it wasn’t ok something must have been wrong but what? I didn’t want to know I ran up stairs out of the way, I heard the key in the door it was very quiet, someone was coming upstairs but I knew what they were going to say and I didn’t want to hear it. Deep breaths, deep breaths and ok, I have to listen to Mum now, they will both need me. And there it was they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Sue & David (Chris’s parents) were coming from Bristol, Mum, Chris and Sue would be going into hospital later that afternoon where Mum would give birth to Kabel. Whilst me, David & Jordan (my 16 year old brother) would stay at home with the little ones.
Breaking Little Hearts…
First we had to tell the kids. Obviously they knew that something was wrong with all of the tears that everyone was having even their big strong Daddy. Even adults find it hard to accept that this happens to little tiny babies and we all like to think that people only die when they get old, so how is a child meant to deal with this. Mum & Chris told them and anyone could see that this was really hard, there were lots of cuddles and after I kept the children amused and made sure that they had plenty of hugs, kisses and someone to talk too. Even at this horrible time it was nice that they were still excited to see their Nanna and Granddad.
Hope & Wishing…
I had to keep myself busy; I cleaned the whole house and spent a lot of time with Blathe, Dane & Brodie. I couldn’t watch T.V, I couldn’t sleep, in a way I think I was still excited, not the normal excitement that you have but I was full of wishes and hope. The nurses, the doctors they were wrong, any minute now I would get a phone call saying I’ve got a healthy gorgeous little brother. I woke up in the morning and jumped out of bed ready to go and welcome my tiny brother into his house, then it all came rushing back but I still held on tight to the hope that I had.
Big Decisions…
I got up and that hope was crushed as soon as the kettle was flicked on in the kitchen, David told me that he had spoken to them and Kabel was born with his little angel wings and now I had to quickly make the decision of whether or not I wanted to go and see him. I was still unsure when Paul arrived to pick me up but I got in the car and decided to go along and think about it on the way, Jordan decided not to come. I got out the car with Paul and walked into hospital I thought I would go and see Mum, Chris and Sue and then maybe go and see Kabel, when I walked into the room he was there with his Mummy & Daddy. I’m so glad and grateful that Kabel was there when I walked in because if he wasn’t I’m not sure I would have gone to see him and I know now that that would have been a massive regret.
Perfect…
He was perfect you couldn’t tell that anything was wrong Kabel just looked like he was sleeping, he was beautiful, really beautiful, you could see that he was one of us; all the little ones look so alike he even had the little horn at the top of his nose that Dane was born with. Mum had tried knitting that year and I had taken the teeny tiny shoes, gloves and hats that she had knitted to the hospital so that she could put them on Kabel. It amazed me how much he was like a healthy sleeping newborn baby; it was hard to believe that he wasn’t. I spent some time with Kabel with lots of cuddles and pictures, I gave Mum and Chris a hug and then I needed a cigarette.
Alone…
I went and sat in the hospital car park and rang Jaime (my boyfriend) but he was busy at work and couldn’t answer the phone, I tried ringing so many people, half of the contacts on my phone where were they all, what was everyone doing today? Finally Christian, Molly’s boyfriend answered I asked him to put me on to a half asleep Molly (a friend from college) someone was there for me to talk to but I didn’t know what to say, my voice had frozen. I finally managed to say it but realised I didn’t want to talk about it; I didn’t know how I felt so how could anyone else know what I was going through? So I said goodbye to Molly and plucked up the courage to walk back in to the hospital. On my way in I saw Mum and Sue on a bench and sat with them and decided I would need another cigarette and I had one with Mum.
Little Cherished Time…
We went back in Kabel’s baby skin had started to get to hot and this wasn’t good for his delicate body we had to prepare to leave. It was so hard for me to go I can’t imagine what this would have been like for Mum & Chris. No one is meant to have that little time with their newborn baby, no one.
Busy…
We all got home it was time for me to clean again, help look after the kids, help make dinner because that’s what I do when something is hard for me, when emotions are running high. Busy is me. This carried on Sue and David had to go home, Mum and Chris were always very quiet and obviously upset and I just cleaned, cooked and cared for everyone else because that is my coping strategy. The kids were amazing they coped so well they went back to school, went through the trauma of listening to their teachers tell the class, Jordan bravely did the same.
Songs…
It was time for me to go back to college I had already told my tutor and she was going to tell the class before I arrived so that I didn’t get bombarded with “has your Mum had her baby yet?” when I got there. Of course they asked me some questions but this was ok. Luckily as my college course was almost finished there was no actual teaching which meant my mind couldn’t wonder of and I was able to concentrate on asking what I needed to know and complete my assignments. One of the only things that kept me going at college was listening to the songs that we had been listening to at home and ones that we were thinking about using at the funeral including a song that Rich (a family friend) had written and recorded especially.
Tucking Kabel In…
We all went to see Kabel at the funeral parlour in his small coffin before the funeral. Mum, Chris, me, Jordan, Blathe, Dane & Brodie went together it was hard because we all had to be strong for the little ones but I think that they needed to see him. It was sad when Brodie (3) said “can we wake him up to play now?” The kids took teddies and letters for Kabel so that they could go in the coffin with him when he was buried. One teddy that they gave him was a bunny that I gave to Blathe when she was born and had been passed on to all the children and now that bunny lay settled with our little angel.
My Day…
I was still doing everything at home mainly so Mum and Chris didn’t have to do it because as long as the kids were ok they didn’t really care about much else so I made sure that everything was done around the house and for them. Again another reason I did so much was because it helped to deal with everything that was happening. The kids and Jordan were at school, Mum & Chris were having a ‘good’ day and I was going out. It was really weird me not being busy, even though I was out with Jaime and his friends on a lovely sunny day, it was a difficult day it was hard to cope with my thoughts when I wasn’t rushed of my feet. That day was the first time I showed Mum & Chris my tears in ages.
The Funeral isn’t Goodbye…
The funeral was very difficult but it was lovely. We had everyone that cared around us and although it has a very heart rending day, the service was lovely, the songs were a great choice and the things that people managed to say were wonderful. His grave was so tiny it’s still so hard to believe that this actually happens. It was different as there was no life to celebrate but my little brother that grew his wings will always be there.
It Doesn’t Matter…
It was hard for people to accept what happened and to understand how we were all feeling. My Granddad is old fashioned and didn’t think that it mattered. Some people said to my Mum & Chris “its ok you’ve got five other children”, this year we all discovered who our real friends are. Even Jaime (my boyfriend of 4 years at the time) found it hard to talk to me about it at the beginning, he didn’t understand or know what to say and sometimes this felt like he didn’t care but then again I was trying to be strong and not letting people in.
People Around…
As time went on he showed that he really cared and he was there for me, at the funeral he was amazing, I’m so glad he was there. Jaime being there meant that Mum, Chris, Jordan and the little ones could be looked after and when I couldn’t be strong I had somewhere to go. Everyone else was amazing too. It was a funeral, a very sad day; there were lots of tears but smiles and laughter too. That’s when you know that you have great family and friends around you, when together you can make a day like that a ‘good` one.
Forever…
The days gradually got easier with everyone keeping themselves busy now and cherishing what they do have. There will always, always be good days and bad days but the little man will always be in our thoughts. Pictures, handprints, tattoos, flowers and ornaments, there’s a lot of things around the house for Kabel and his collection will grow. There will always, always be good days and bad days but the little man will always be in our thoughts. Always loved & never forgotten.
Kabel’s First Christmas…
Obviously this was a hard time but also it had to be an enjoyable one with the little ones to think about. Kabel wasn’t forgotten I sent Mum and Chris and Christmas card on his behalf and friends gave them presents. Mum and Chris opened them at his grave; I think the grave is more significant to them than it is to me. We had a lovely couple of days but even though we were thinking of him there was a very special little person missing.
He’s Still Here…
I wanted to go to Kabel’s grave but to me I’m not sure that’s where he really was. I wasn’t ready to go to the grave for a long time. The first time I went was with Jaime on the 18th of January, 2 years from when my great Nan died, I visited both of their graves with flowers on the same day. I had tears all the way home. To me Nan is looking after our little angel Kabel and rather than them being at the gravesides they are with me or my family whenever they are needed and whenever I want them to be.
A Year On…
It’s the 19th of April the day we were told that Kabel’s heart beat had stopped, only a year on. It had gone so fast it really didn’t seem like it had been a whole year and even though it had gone so quickly the pain was the same for everyone. So I’d been planning it for ages, getting presents for Mum & Chris, making cards and helping the kids make and collect the bits that they wanted to give to Mummy & Daddy. Sue & David were coming to stay and some very important friends would be visiting us tomorrow. I went home to stay, I thought I was excited all day but I couldn’t work out why. When I was in bed that night having a cuddle with Blathe I thought maybe it’s not excitement but its nerves & worry, keeping everyone together and preventing arguments.
Happy Birthday Little Man…
It’s a year on, Brodie wants to have a party, were going to the grave to spend some time with Kabel as a family. Then at home were going to have cake and give Mum & Chris there presents, some special friends are going to come over for a little drink too. To start with it was just a normal busy hectic day kids at school, me looking after Granddad and everyone else running round doing things, only with more stress. Today I realised it wasn’t excitement it was nerves just trying to hold everything together; everyone was quite moody until we managed to go and see Kabel. After that we came back for dinner and then Jacki, Guy, Hannah, Charlotte & Erin came round, this was really good for Mum & Chris, Jordan and the little ones too. Sadly Nathanial & Tamzin couldn’t come but they still showed their support. So thank you to everyone that helped us celebrate, as Dane called it ‘Kabel’s Day’.
It’s Never The End…
So in the honour of our little angel baby Kabel who was too beautiful for earth this is where we are now, not forgetting but managing to get at least something positive from this devastating, heart breaking experience and helping families that are trying to live with the same thing that we have gone through. Although he never got the chance to take his first breath Kabel is an important person and he lives on with us all every day.